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| my friend jp has been writing a lot about living radically lately :) and i was praying this morning -- and i knew this, but living radically means different things for different people...
maybe for some, it's to change careers -- give up the job that you've spent years training for, you get big bucks for, and plunge into something else entirely that you feel God leading you to do.
maybe for others it's material possessions -- selling your house, your stuff, bypassing those shopping sprees or mall trips, etc and learning to live simply so you can give more.
for others it's giving up relationships -- saying goodbye to family, friends, community, and moving far away because that's where you know God wants you to go.
all that is truly difficult and can be heartbreaking, and yet truly liberating.
but this morning, i realized what it means to truly live radically for me, is not any of that, because to some degree i have done that, and it wasn't that difficult for me, since what is truly the "treasure" of my heart is not those things but this ... PRIVACY.
and I realized, to live radically for Christ, I need to be willing to let God invade my privacy (through other people). I have such strong and high boundaries -- I dont' like people intruding in "my space." whether it's coming over uninvited, calling when I'm busy, or continually asking for favors. I don't LIKE IT. it annoys me. It drives me completely nuts actually.
and God is calling me to die to that -- and i've resisted and resisted and i'm holding onto my standards... and it's time to let go. If i truly mean it when I pray that I surrender all, I surrender everything, I will let God control my life -- then I need to do it. even loving the person I wrote about earlier, saying she annoys me. (yes i have been trying to be closer to her, and it's helped a lot. when I take 2 steps, God helps my heart take 5. thank you God).
anyway, it's like killing myself, because I realized this truly is the one thing I treasure and am not willing to let go. My privacy. But I know that if I surrender to God, he will protect me and give me the privacy I do need (as I'm an introvert) but will also challenge me to do new things for him. I feel there will be no breakthrough until I am willing to be broken through. hey that's a good one :) I should tape that on my wall until it gets into my thick skull.
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| ever feel like your emotions are spiraling out of control and you can't do anything to stop it?
i felt that the other night toward chris, for something pretty minor. but i was hungry, tired, and I felt myself get so angry and frustrated, I was on the verge of tears. Not knowing what else to do, I prayed and prayed, and asked God to help me.
I thought of this image -- Jesus and I were walking in a river, and all of sudden, he pushes me under the water, and he holds my head down, with a really firm grip. I know he's not being mean, but he is strong and not letting me go. I struggle and struggle, afraid to drown, confused, almost angry, scared out of my wits -- but finally I let go, and I give up. and that's when I discover -- that I can breathe underwater. and once I relax, he also lets go, and I realize I can see a whole new world under there, in that river and that I can thrive.
anyway -- that image has been on my mind. I think so many things I struggle with, my irrational runaway emotions, how I feel towards people who bug me, or my loved ones who drive me nuts, or living in a culture that is confusing and frustrating at times -- sometimes it's that we have to die to ourselves and everything we know and embrace what is the most terrifying thing -- and let Jesus push us under.
I'm still on the journey.
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| "but the rich should take pride in their humiliation - since they will pass away like a wild flower...the rich will fade away even while they go about their business." james 1:10-11
whenever i read this in the states, i never thought it applied to me. i would skim over it and think -- that's right all you rich people! take heed! and then i'd go on and think of myself as the other side, the "poor" who will persevere and be blessed because i have withstood the trial of poverty.
but now, i'm living in india, and i look immediately to the verses about being rich, and think of me. we are considered rich here, very rich -- if you ask a street urchin or farmer, or lower class person -- which is the majority of the population.
i think about what it means to take pride in humiliation, what humiliation of wealth? is it that wealth makes us more dependent on ourselves instead of God, and not persevere? not sure, haven't quite digested it yet. but it does mean this --- that i am quite conscious of how much He has blessed us with, and to be sure to be generous to others. but with wisdom. that is the note i haven't always hit right. sometimes i give too generously to the wrong person, and other times i'm too stingy with the wrong person. as i keep living here, i hope to get it more right -- and in the process of my "humiliation" remember that wealth fades like the flowers in the sun (or as quickly as we get on a plane to the USA) and to somehow keep trusting God through it all whether rich or poor.
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| i feel like ayden doesn't the attention she deserves because of esther's two year old antics. it's horrible but sometimes i even forget i have a second child cuz ayden is so easy and esther is so attention demanding. so i want to declare somewhere publicly just how wonderful ayden really is and remind myself too to enjoy her.
- she is the most smiley baby ever. you just look at her, and her eyes light up and she'll give you a big toothless grin, no matter who you are. i honestly can't believe such a happy person came out of my womb.
- she is so fat and roly poly it's adorable. it's not always easy on my back or arms when i have to rock her to sleep in all her 20 lb. glory, but it's fun having a chunky monkey.
- she loves getting her daily massage. esther hated it but ayden will laugh and giggle and engage with me every minute. she especially loves getting her legs rolled.
- she loves activity, stimulation, people. she loves looking around at everyone and everything. you might say, yeah yeah, all babies do that. that's not true. not all babies do that, so don't take it for granted if your baby does!
- she is developing normally -- grabs toys, rolls over, is interested in books. once again, not every baby does this stuff (esther didn't) and it makes me so happy to see her enjoy her baby toys -- with esther they were a waste of money.
- she is teething and still cheerful! what a spirit. i love her.
- she loves funny stuff. she actually enjoys humor at this age, she laughed when i was putting shampoo in my hair and pretending it was a funny hat. i love the sound of baby laughing.
- she loves looking at daddy whenever he's in the room and watches what he's doing in expectation -- cuz usually he'll turn around and give her a cheeky face.
- she's a fast nurser and can go for a long time without feeding. yesssssss!
- she will let almost anyone hold her. this could be a good or bad thing but at this age, it's been great. when my house helper comes or my house helper's cousin, or the store clerks, or waitresses want to hold her, she is happy to go with them. okay i sound like a horrible mom but sometimes a spare arm is really helpful and it's normal in india for strangers to want to hold your baby.
- she likes to be naked. she cries when i put clothes on her. not sure why but i find this endearing. such a free spirit!
- she's ticklish under her chin so i love to kiss her there to make her smile.
- she likes to be touched and cuddled and held. yay! (again, not every baby likes that as strange as it is.)
okay i could write more and more but ayden wants to be held now so better go.
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| I was reading Psalm 2 today and realized afresh that many of the Psalms have been written during times of war/battle/extreme hardship. The verse about, strike my enemies/shatter their jaws... if you read that only in the comfort of an american home, sitting on your couch, sipping coffee -- you might wonder- -- how does this apply to me? This seems quite harsh. Should such verses even be in the Bible? But if you are in the middle of a battlefield, spending all day and night fighting a cunning and ruthless enemy, you might understand the psalm a whole lot better. I realize living here in India, a lot of the verses in the Bible take on a different tone. The verses that talk about striking down the enemy and crushing the evil ones -- makes more sense when you see such vile evil clearly working in society. In USA it seemed like such elements were more hidden -- but here they seem much more open. And you truly do hope that God will strike down the kind of people who pimp children, or steal grains and supplies from starving farmers to pad their own pockets, or molest their own children with no repentance, etc. etc. or even simple things like -- the government worker who won't give you a piece of paper unless you give a bribe. Living in such a place brings about a deep desire for justice and righteousness and compassion to be brought about.
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